smoking gun

I could not seem to move with out the pain, back then I did not want to live anymore. I was broken and shattered by a love filled with lies and my efforts to "commit" and keep it together. I was so stupid to believe that he loved me, he was just using me. It was not his fault, or mine, we both came from extreme dysfunction. The sadness seemed to be choking me. I was afraid to live, and not couragous enough to die. Getting off the anti-depressants was a good start. Having him out of the house was even better. I did not have to live with someone that did not want me, was not attracted to me and quite self centered. No one else existed.
I tried to communicate, but I had never been talked to as badly as he spoke to me. It was the most horrible experience I have ever had. I have since made attempts to be forgiving and kind, but no sooner do I cultivate some compassion and some new issue will come up, and I am back at square one again.
Fortunatly I am healing, it just seems like it it slow. I walk, mediatae and pray a lot. I am sad though, and really do not talk about these feelings much, I realise how intertwined these emotions are with my family of origin issues are. It hurts even now.It was not the black eyes, it is and was all the lies.