want to be

i want to be sucessful. What does that mean? what does that look like for me? I have a job, a place to live, great people in my life, and I am living in the center of the herd again. The relationship I just got out of, destroyed me. I am not blaming him, but I am not ever going to put myself in harms waylike that again. He was new in the program when we met and pretty fresh out of jail. In my journal it said in the very beginning of our relationship that I needed to be careful about my boundaries, problem was, I was with someone that did not respect them, or me at all. when I set a boundary for myself, he called me "controlling"
Until he beat me up physically I had a vague idea that he was abusive, but I was trapped by my love until that happened. I was free to let go after that. free to heal after drawing a line in the sand. Since then I have realised how in denial I was about all the physical abuse in my life, from my mother, and my father. My father just never felt good enough, and his ridculous book that he wrote is an embarassment to me and my sons. My father, having lost his twin brother, was never the same, and lives much like a vampire emotionally trying to get his happiness from whomever there is that was willing to feed him, give him shelter, and drink like a fish with him. His women were often insecure and jealous as he was, and quite the manipulator. i know that the damage that occured when I was attempting to bond with other human beings was in fact completly devastated by both sexual abuse, violence, and alcoholism. I love my new life, and I am grateful that I am home here on Kauai.