smoking gun

I could not seem to move with out the pain, back then I did not want to live anymore. I was broken and shattered by a love filled with lies and my efforts to "commit" and keep it together. I was so stupid to believe that he loved me, he was just using me. It was not his fault, or mine, we both came from extreme dysfunction. The sadness seemed to be choking me. I was afraid to live, and not couragous enough to die. Getting off the anti-depressants was a good start. Having him out of the house was even better. I did not have to live with someone that did not want me, was not attracted to me and quite self centered. No one else existed.
I tried to communicate, but I had never been talked to as badly as he spoke to me. It was the most horrible experience I have ever had. I have since made attempts to be forgiving and kind, but no sooner do I cultivate some compassion and some new issue will come up, and I am back at square one again.
Fortunatly I am healing, it just seems like it it slow. I walk, mediatae and pray a lot. I am sad though, and really do not talk about these feelings much, I realise how intertwined these emotions are with my family of origin issues are. It hurts even now.It was not the black eyes, it is and was all the lies.

want to be

i want to be sucessful. What does that mean? what does that look like for me? I have a job, a place to live, great people in my life, and I am living in the center of the herd again. The relationship I just got out of, destroyed me. I am not blaming him, but I am not ever going to put myself in harms waylike that again. He was new in the program when we met and pretty fresh out of jail. In my journal it said in the very beginning of our relationship that I needed to be careful about my boundaries, problem was, I was with someone that did not respect them, or me at all. when I set a boundary for myself, he called me "controlling"
Until he beat me up physically I had a vague idea that he was abusive, but I was trapped by my love until that happened. I was free to let go after that. free to heal after drawing a line in the sand. Since then I have realised how in denial I was about all the physical abuse in my life, from my mother, and my father. My father just never felt good enough, and his ridculous book that he wrote is an embarassment to me and my sons. My father, having lost his twin brother, was never the same, and lives much like a vampire emotionally trying to get his happiness from whomever there is that was willing to feed him, give him shelter, and drink like a fish with him. His women were often insecure and jealous as he was, and quite the manipulator. i know that the damage that occured when I was attempting to bond with other human beings was in fact completly devastated by both sexual abuse, violence, and alcoholism. I love my new life, and I am grateful that I am home here on Kauai.

kauai

i once thought that people wanted to be good, I have since discovered this is so not true, there are many that just want the creature comforts, and do not want to do the work. Outside fixes for an inside job is still a prevelant way of thinking for most people.