april - may- june-july.....

it is here- that i found the peace- that i longed for-it is RIGHT HERE- where my inspiration met my intention
in such a pre-destined way-almost like the only=water-                                                                                       colors that can paint my serenity
so many times i ask- and the answers come-staying with what i feel to be a good orderly direction, i put one foot in front of the other- aloha

letters

i do not understand how you can limit the amount of space- letters in a comment- on a blog- the computer makes me wish for typewriters and the smell of ink- i am over it with re-writes with all these various sites that want to hear what i am thin king or if i like something- all of which is silly- completely stupid- i write what i consider a great story and wasted the afternoon editing it so it can conform to blogger rules-which is part of the reason i write-to find peace in a world that continously tries to infringe on my creative abilities- i will be an artist anyway- because that is who and what i am-so conforming is just not in the cards

how?

the miracles of this life are quite beautiful, i am grateful for everything the spirit world has done for me, and my family- I am thankful each day for my life- the privledge that i experience just walking around kauai is amazing-

people like me die everyday- and maybe no one will ever know them-i am one of those people that are extremely lucky to be alive, and happy to boot-I owe my life to staying sober, great children, and the countless elders and prayers, that without them, i would not have made it this far-love brings me back= nothing else-

i used to think that outside stuff would fix me, until i had some experiences that made that lifestyle impossible, knowledge, sun dance, and sacred ceremonies brought my curiousity to a intentional place. straight up-these ceremonies make piercing, tatoo s etc all tie together in a strange way- the stories about each of us turning and sharing our medicine is true----the question is, how do we do that? i hear people talk big story- but really how do we do this?

Poets and Artists Community – Studio Eight • Index page

Poets and Artists Community – Studio Eight • Index page: "28574"te tale of four lovers, like a country everyman i rode orses, dressed in fine clotes and flaunted my beauty, sold myself into deals, slavery, breedin, and finally divorse-------- knowin it was an asset--bein youn and friendly- and dumber tan a box of rocks.computer is broken, missin letters- and im limited by todays drama.
te dru ouse of many years in analei- is were i live- i ave tried ettin indian and workin wit te spirits but wen i et sick i ave to pull back,my cildren tink im nutz- but i was born tis way

i suppose when i look at my part in things i am left wondering- what is the next right things?

smoking gun

I could not seem to move with out the pain, back then I did not want to live anymore. I was broken and shattered by a love filled with lies and my efforts to "commit" and keep it together. I was so stupid to believe that he loved me, he was just using me. It was not his fault, or mine, we both came from extreme dysfunction. The sadness seemed to be choking me. I was afraid to live, and not couragous enough to die. Getting off the anti-depressants was a good start. Having him out of the house was even better. I did not have to live with someone that did not want me, was not attracted to me and quite self centered. No one else existed.
I tried to communicate, but I had never been talked to as badly as he spoke to me. It was the most horrible experience I have ever had. I have since made attempts to be forgiving and kind, but no sooner do I cultivate some compassion and some new issue will come up, and I am back at square one again.
Fortunatly I am healing, it just seems like it it slow. I walk, mediatae and pray a lot. I am sad though, and really do not talk about these feelings much, I realise how intertwined these emotions are with my family of origin issues are. It hurts even now.It was not the black eyes, it is and was all the lies.

want to be

i want to be sucessful. What does that mean? what does that look like for me? I have a job, a place to live, great people in my life, and I am living in the center of the herd again. The relationship I just got out of, destroyed me. I am not blaming him, but I am not ever going to put myself in harms waylike that again. He was new in the program when we met and pretty fresh out of jail. In my journal it said in the very beginning of our relationship that I needed to be careful about my boundaries, problem was, I was with someone that did not respect them, or me at all. when I set a boundary for myself, he called me "controlling"
Until he beat me up physically I had a vague idea that he was abusive, but I was trapped by my love until that happened. I was free to let go after that. free to heal after drawing a line in the sand. Since then I have realised how in denial I was about all the physical abuse in my life, from my mother, and my father. My father just never felt good enough, and his ridculous book that he wrote is an embarassment to me and my sons. My father, having lost his twin brother, was never the same, and lives much like a vampire emotionally trying to get his happiness from whomever there is that was willing to feed him, give him shelter, and drink like a fish with him. His women were often insecure and jealous as he was, and quite the manipulator. i know that the damage that occured when I was attempting to bond with other human beings was in fact completly devastated by both sexual abuse, violence, and alcoholism. I love my new life, and I am grateful that I am home here on Kauai.

kauai

i once thought that people wanted to be good, I have since discovered this is so not true, there are many that just want the creature comforts, and do not want to do the work. Outside fixes for an inside job is still a prevelant way of thinking for most people.

the indian man

i went on a date , and he put me in a state of desire. it has been months, and i crave walking the streets of portland with him again. the taco he pulled from his pocket and fed to me, was truly romantic. where are you?